Letter to my pawpaw #2

As I sit here at work, I’m once again thinking of you, and I’m sad; yet I don’t want to cry because I don’t want anyone asking questions.

But I am sad! I’ve been thinking alot lately and you are consuming more and more of my mind everyday. I cry my self to sleep sometimes thinking of how unfair
it is, how unfair it is that, I never got to experience birthdays, and Christmas’s with a grandfather. I never got to be spoiled, and say ‘papaw I want….’.
You missed my chorus concerts, church Christmas plays, and all the things I did growing up.

It isn’t fair and sometimes I question God as to why you are gone, and why I was cheated in life, why my friends grew up with their grandfathers in their
life and I was cheated? I know there has to be a reason, but at this point in my life I cannot understand what possible reason there is to rip a man from the
prime of his life. Rip him from his family, his loving wife, and 2 children. Then to take him from his 2 small grandchildren is the icing on the cake. What did
‘boss’ && ‘looloo’ do to deserve growing up with out you? what would my nickname have been i wonder? why were they special and lucky enough to somewhat know you
and i wasn’t?

Why? I often ask, knowing though i will never receive an answer. I often ask my self ‘would my papaw be proud of me? would he be proud of the choices i have made
 in my life?’ I have to remind my self though that no matter what you would be proud of me regardless, but I cant help but know that all my choices in life haven’t
been the best ones for me to make. I sit and wonder how different my life would be if you were here. Don’t get me wrong, I love my life and all the people in it,
 but i cant help but feel like i might have loved it more, had you been here and been an active part of my life. I know though that could you be here, you would be
an active participant in my life.

I know you are looking down on me now and you wouldn’t want me to be sad, and I know some people would see these letters to you as pointless because you aren’t
 here to read them, but it helps me to express my feelings, it gives me an outlet.

Would you be proud of the man I have chosen to live my life with and one day have children with? and as I sit here I wonder, what will I tell my children
if and when they ask about my grandaddy? I cant tell them too much because I honestly don’t know much. Bryson was asking about you yesterday, he wants to
go to your grave site and pull weeds and place flowers and leave you a special plaque he made, isn’t that sweet of him? Oh how I wish you were here, he is
such a sweet kid, with such an amazing little heart inside of him. He is extremely misunderstood and I just feel like if you were here he wouldn’t be this way.

I get angry because you aren’t here with me, I know they say ‘things happen’ or ‘it was his time’ but how could it have been your time? you were so young, you
 had only lived half of your life. You had grandchildren to help raise and some you never got the chance to know. how on earth can that have been your time? Why
 did God need you more than I did? More than our family did? Our family is in rough shape, and I wish you were here to fix it all!

I miss you and some people may say ‘how can you miss someone you never met?’ but it’s a different kind of ‘missing’ than the normal ‘I miss my papaw, he died’.
This is an ‘I miss the things we could have done together’ kind of I miss you. We could have been best friends, and I know you would have spoiled me rotten.
I have wanted that my whole life, I have longed for the love of a papaw. I guess I’ll never know what it’s like though will I? I mean Bradley has a papaw but
it isn’t the same, because he isn’t you, he isn’t my papaw. I just wish for one day i could see you and talk to you face to face, and hug you.
 That’s all I want, that is my only wish. And it will be a wish that can never be granted. And that makes me sad, I used to think the only thing I
wanted out of life was to be married and have children, and don’t get me wrong, I do still want that, but the thing I want most is to get to know you
 for one day. I just want that chance that I feel like I was cheated out of!

Well I guess I should go on this one i been writing on it for 3 days, write more soon

I love you Papaw Ray <3

[[visit me in my dreams]]